Sunday, January 17, 2016

Tahlia


stubborn in the way your hand rests on your hip
baby blue eyes roll in a sassy response
"yeah, okay, whatever" you quip
a queen who knows what she wants
and demands it with a hair flip

wisdom in the way you learn from mistakes
your finger stuck in a drill bit only twice
or avoiding class with 'Siberian cakes'
or how people look to you for advice
helping them through grammar and heartbreaks

funny in the way I laugh til I hurt
encouraging our behaviour with tequila shots
remember that time the soccer post caught your shirt
and when you looked at me and said "have you seen Robots?"
never forget our pizza of half breakfast and dessert

beauty in the way you're oh so easy on the eye
a gorgeous smile and mermaid long hair
not just physical, beauty is what you personify 
sometimes I catch myself in awe and stare
graceful and lovely, you don't even try

strength in the way that you are a fighter 
overcoming life's trials and tribulations
likening your fierceness to that of a resilient tiger
you somehow make it through those sitcom-like situations
remaining a delicate sunflower who still makes life so much brighter

love in the way that you just exist
our daughter, our sister, our best friend
you are not far, but far enough to miss
your presence in my life has been a godsend
I can't wait to visit you and greet you with a big kiss




A silly, inside joke ridden poem for my friend Tahlia ♥

Friday, January 15, 2016

Yes Baby

yes,
he will call you baby
his voice warm like home
softly melting in your chest
wrapping thick cotton over cold shoulders
his vocal embrace of sweet promises 
your body aching and craving 
an innocent gasp escapes your lips
a white flag, a breathless surrender

yes,
he will call you baby
his tongue hot like lust
hand gripped tightly on your throat 
clawing delicate layers from inviting limbs
his physical embrace of sinful deceit
your body aching and craving
a guilty gasp escapes your lips
the white flag, the breathless surrender 

no,

baby,

he won't call you

Monday, January 4, 2016

The Five Stages of Grieving ♥ First Love

The funeral was held in my bedroom for months on end but the only body buried was mine in between cold sheets, foolishly hoping for his familiar warmth. There were no self-help booklets to prepare me to mourn the loss of someone who didn't die but instead chose to leave...

Denial first clawed at my chest and punctured my lungs when he confessed he didn't love me any more. Rapid hyperventilating matched my panicked heartbeat and I could barely speak the words to plead for him to not go. I apologised profusely with a shaky voice hoping it would have enough strength to make him stay because you can't hold the person you love most in your tight embrace over a fucking phone call. His hollow excuses still added to the weight of guilt on my chest that cracked and concaved my aching ribs.

Those sweet, innocent butterflies that emerged from the pit of my stomach at the awkward beginning of our juvenile love dropped dead. Raging, unforgiving hornets had now begun attacking at the softness. Red hot anger pulsing through my veins gave me the strength to tear down his photos but the fierce screams slowly melted into pathetic sobs. My body gave in and collapsed when my mind realised I can't throw out the memories that were imprinted in my head. How can his lips intimately kiss away each and every one of my tender insecurities, only to whisper a few words that reopened every single wound he ever helped heal? 

Each "what if" plagued my mind like a sickening game of 21 questions. There was no answers, no winning, no end to the constant bargaining with this heartache. Sleep no longer became a form of escapism, it became a mental trap. Dreams taunted and teased, dangling hope in front of me - replaying memories and hypothetical situations like a mirage of water. Dehydrated and desperate, I did everything I could to chase and clutch at them. Scrapes and bruises decorated my knees as the tear soaked tee clung to my exhausted body, physically drained from the emotional hurt. His shirt no longer held his scent, his presence no longer felt. He would still be here if only I was better, thinner, prettier. If only, if only, if only.

My feet dragged heavy on the floor despite the hollowness inside. A constant grey smog clouded and imprisoned my entire being. My throat choked and gagged on the pleas of help I so desperately wanted to scream out loud. Constantly questioning the point of living if I didn't actually feel alive. Just a pathetic, dull shadow of myself wandering aimlessly. At times, a hopeful light would filter through and begin to guide a way out... but depression is relentless and possessive. You can't escape so easily.

Then suddenly a wave of acceptance washed over me. Overwhelmed, I panicked and began to drown.

He was gone. I was still here. He was gone...

and...

it was okay.

Time, although slow and painful, helped heal the wound he left on my chest. The scar will remain as a reminder to my heart of the love it got to experience and the heart ache it was able to learn from. I found the strength and ability to turn my longing into gratitude. Some days my tongue will forget his name. Some days my eyes will search for him in a crowd.

But I no longer craved his warmth.

Finally,

breathing became easier.

My insides no longer bled,

the storm in my head calmed.

I got out of bed.


Just say "fuck the lemons" and bail

Someone asked me what my New Years resolutions are for 2016 and my eyes rolled so far and hard that I travelled back in time and relived the memories of my resolution-less 2015.

Although to be brutally honest, if it wasn't for social media I wouldn't be able to recall half of what had happened in the past year. And I can't, because I had deleted my original Facebook. So the beginning of the year is a real blur but I do know that I began the year with amazing cyclamen coloured hair (cheers Instagram!). I want to blame the bleach for the state of my brain but we all know that's a lousy cop out.

2015 was the year of spontaneity. The year of "why the fuck not?" The year of new experiences. The year of living life for myself. I had done so many things I would have never given a second thought to before. Things that made me uncomfortable and vulnerable. Things I don't regret for one second. 
 
The person I was two years ago would be both mortified and in awe at who I am now. I am grateful for every amazing and heartbreaking experience because it has helped me learn a little bit more about the world around me and who I am. 
 
I've been told that my 20s will consist of some of the best years of my life. I truly believe that now. As much as I can be a morbid, nihilist, negative Nancy at times... I am so excited to see what and who this year will bring. At the risk of sounding like a shitty inspirational speaker who has no fucking clue at what they're talking about (I really don't) - life is what you make it. It really is. Until you want to be a cat and people are like "Courtney that's not possible", "that's more than one shot", "you're too drunk", "put your clothes back on and stop dancing on the table why are you sobbing while twerking Courtney stop" blah blah blah.

This past year, most importantly, bonds with people in my life have strengthened considerably. Through the darkest days this year has bestowed upon me, they have kept me grounded and reminded me that I am loved. Their presence has been vital to my well being and I cannot thank them enough. They have held me through tequila shots, fits of laughter, ugly sobbing and everything in between. I guess you could say I am... hashtag blessed.

While I don't necessarily have resolutions, I do have hopes for 2016. I hope to continue being spontaneous and more opportunistic. I hope to discover what I want to do with my life career wise (groan). I hope to eat so much sushi that I'm admitted to hospital for rice poisoning - look yeah, I don't know if that's a thing but... challenge accepted. I hope to travel and have more adventures! I hope to pet more cats and stroke more beards. I hope to meet new, amazing people who will bring inspiration and love. I hope my skin is covered in cute tattoos and my hair is as colourful as ever. I hope to spread positivity and help people! I hope to create more and write shitty blog posts less. 

I hope 2016 brings love, laughter and life lessons that will help me continue to grow as a person. 

I also hope to get that growth spurt I was promised 6 years ago.

I genuinely hope that the person is reading this finds the strength to overcome any battles they are dealing with or may face. I hope you find peace and happiness within yourself. I hope you hold hands and kiss a lot of cute people. I hope you try your best to be kind and I hope people are kind in return. I hope you get what you need in 2016.

Yours truly,
Courtney xo

EDIT: I found an old blog post for 2015 - apparently I did, kind of, make a list of resolutions or whatever:

I've never been one for new year resolutions, goals or being motivated for more than two seconds but this year I am turning 21 (yuck) and it's time to get stheriousth. Sorta. You still have to have fun, right? Right. Good. Here are some things I'd like to work on or do or horribly fail at:

♥ Travel! Anywhere! By plane! I have never actually been on a plane I'm the most boring person you could ever meet. I'd love to go to LA but let's take baby steps. Baby flights.
I did get on a plane! All by myself to meet someone for the first time! GO me.

♥ Remember to put the lids back on my frickin makeup. Failed.

♥ Be more optimistic!! Stop being a pessimistic bitch, Courtney. That was cool in 2009. Emo days are ovah. Yes! I am tons more optimistic now. Also, shut up 2014 Courtney. Emo days will never be over. This isn't a phase - this is who you truly are.

♥ Hug more. There is never enough hugs. I definitely did hug more! I will continue to hug more! Fuck yeah hugs!!

♥ Probably stop with the cheeseburgers?? (If I'm going to horrible fail at any of these this will be the first.) Yeah we all know I failed this 100 times over - but I did join the gym and start PT sessions! Which... may have stopped over the Christmas break...

♥ Save money!! HAHAHAHAHA

♥ Spend more time with friends and family! Tick!

♥ Tell those people that I love them!! Double tick!!

♥ Get my shit together! HAHAHAHAHA

♥ Get a tattoo!! Fuck that. I got three!

♥ Take opportunities and do things even if they literally scare the shit out of me!!! (Don't think too hard about that image!!! Sorry not sorry.) YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

♥ Remind myself everyday that life is way too short not to be who I want to be. Every day reminder!

♥ Clean my room. HAHAHAHAHA