Wednesday, May 10, 2017


I cancelled our first date. Feeling discouraged & deflated, on top of a bad day, I couldn’t muster the energy. He was immediately understanding & warm, offering words of kindness to help cheer me up.

A week later, we rescheduled. On a whim, I drove an hour to his house. I can’t say I was nervous, as I’ve met many people before & had become accustom to the whole ordeal. I’ve even flown interstate for the first time, by myself, to meet a boy. The main lesson I’ve learned from all the meetings & dates is to avoid having high expectations (& to almost always prepare for an ex to be involved). I don't tell myself that I'm going to meet the love of my life; I tell myself that whatever happens will probably make for a good story and that's it. After all this time, dating became less of a search for love & more of a weird hobby to me. Let's call it investigative research for inspiration for my writings. While I tried to keep a healthy distance from my subjects, I mean dates - there would be times I'd develop feelings... & get hurt. Despite this, I'd be back in my best dress ready for another interview... I mean, date. I guess I would describe myself as some sort of hopeless romantic masochist. Although I seem blasé about this all; I had to keep my music loud in the car to drown my thoughts, so I didn’t talk myself out of meeting this one. So far all I really knew was that he is very cute & funny & sweet. I didn’t fear the initial meeting, no; I feared getting hurt again.

Our first greeting was (naturally) slightly awkward. He was even more attractive in person & that’s when I felt nervous. I felt too big, too crooked, too weird, too much. All of my insecurities flooded from my mind & froze at my feet. I felt stuck, but I still managed to follow him to his front door. As he opened it, two cute little dogs attacked my ankles with kisses. After "aww"ing about how adorable they are,  I look up to see him holding a bouquet of flowers in his tattooed fist. A wide smile split across my face at the cliché romantic gesture - a gesture that I’d personally never experienced before. My insecurities & worries slowly melted away with each step down the hallway & into the living room.

We spent about a few hours just talking about everything & nothing. I felt like I had already known him for a long time. He had an old soul, coupled with a voice that could make my heart swoon by just reading a Chinese take out menu. I met his brother (who I immediately adored) and they both complimented me on my sweet smelling perfume. We ended up in his bedroom, which gave me a better idea of who he is. He had a shelf full of eclectic items, as well as books ranging from the paranormal to tattoo designs. My eyes scanned through his choice of movies & tv series, spotting a few of my favourites. During our conversation he would sneakily slip in cute compliments, and I noticed that they weren't superficial. He was the first person I had met that had complimented me on more that my physical appearance. I felt oddly at ease in his presence, & asked about the tattoos on his hand so I had an excuse to hold them.

During my visit, he commented a few times on how weird it was that his dogs were already comfortable with me. I thought of how weird it was that I already felt... at home there. Just before I left he said that he wished he got some warning about how 'gorgeous' I am. He called me “a vision”. I can’t remember driving home.

The next day he met me after work. We had bubblegum milkshakes & held hands across the table. Through small talk & stomach aching laughter, he asked me what else I wanted to do that night. After a lot of “umm"s and “ahh"s and “there’s nothing to do here"s, he suggested that we go for a drive. I said I was more than happy to do that, as long as my car was safe at home. He willingly obliged & I half-joked about him coming inside to meet my parents. His shrug reaction made me more inclined to make it happen, like my own weird little social experiment. The second I introduced him to my parents, I regretted it (initially). They were very full on (for him having met me only so recently) & I was genuinely afraid that he wouldn't want to see me again. He surprised me by being so comfortable with them & even joining in on the jokes. When we were finally alone in his car I apologised, my face red with nervous laughter. He reassured me that it was nothing, and mentioned that he had met parents before that refused to even talk to him. I couldn’t comprehend how anyone couldn’t like him.

Around 6:30pm we reached a park where we held hands, & talked, & laughed. No topic of conversation was taboo, & we easily switched from serious to joking without any awkward pauses in between. Silent moments were comfortable, and being with him is where I knew I wanted to be. It didn’t feel like I met him just yesterday, it felt like I’ve known him my entire life.

We made our way to the back of his car as the night got colder. Cuddling up, the night continued as it started. My face hurt from laughing so much. I found myself thinking about how much I loved how his brain works, & how he'd say whatever came to mind. Being so comfortable, I began to fall asleep on him. He suggested taking me home. I didn’t want to leave. The truth is, I was afraid that this would disappear if I did. This felt like a dream I was scared of waking up from.

We checked the time, both shocked that we had easily spent almost 7 hours together, when it felt like only a short moment had passed.

Then, he kissed me.

I swear my insides melted like butter. I temporarily forgot my name. People talk about a "spark" they look for with a first kiss. This felt less like temporary fireworks & more like a smouldering fireplace. Every cell in my body died & became even more alive than before. This kiss was by far the best kiss I’ve had in my adult life, possibly my entire life. I didn’t think these kind of moments existed, but they do.

Since then, we have spent every moment we possibly can together.

Every kiss leaves me wanting more. Not just physically, but everything. I want every moment, every milestone, every minute with him.

Today, he called me his soulmate.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

deja vu

•  the sales assistant asks me if I need help 
    I look to my basket of too many products
    because I can never differentiate want & need
    no, I'm fine, thanks

•  mum refers to me as a "serial dater"
   I stopped laughing at the term
   after I google searched it
   fuck you, truth

•  my friends don't ask me what he's like
   ...I tell them
   and tell them again
   and again
   they grin & bear it
   we all know how it ends

•  I ask the sales assistant
   if they have anything that can prevent
   falling for bullshit
   too late

•  red flags aren't visible
   if you use one as a blindfold

•  you know when you're really hungry
   starving after waiting for so long
   you're too excited to chew the food properly
   swallowing too quick
   your stomach feels uncomfortably full
   and you regret rushing it
   it's already over before it really began
   that's what this is like every time
   except instead of indigestion
   all contact suddenly ends

•  I consider being a pitcher for a baseball team
   after an impressive overhand of my phone across the room
   trying to avoid reading a version of a text I've read
   many times before
   filled with bad punctuation and platitudes and self deprecation
   they call themselves assholes so you don't have the chance

•  the next week is spent mostly sleeping
    self loathing in between
    and wishing social media didn't exist
    they conveniently forgot to mention her
    when they said
    "it's not you, it's me"

•  I ask the sales assistant
   if they have anything strong enough
   to remove "fuck me over" from my forehead

•  hurt rises like bile in my throat
   yet I'm still speaking sweetness
   despite everything
   I believe I'm capable of convincing a jury
   (and myself)
   that they're a good person, who just made bad choices
   while bleeding from the stab wound in my chest

•  swollen eyes & long drives
   yelling to songs they shared
   like some kind of fucked up
   musical masochism

•  they always say "I thought you'd hate me" with a nervous grin stretched wide 
   across their punchable face 
   I never get the satisfaction of connecting my knuckles against their jaw
   because my hand clenches into a fist 
   and I realise
   I'm already holding their fucking hand again

•  the sales assistant asks me if I need help
   yeah, I do, thanks
   apparently they aren't qualified enough
   and tissues are in aisle 3

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

call me baby
and whisper in my ear
tell me things
I want to hear
grip my throat
and make me choke
falling for you
is my greatest fear

Monday, January 9, 2017

Monday, January 2, 2017