Monday, May 30, 2016

say my name

"cour, cour, court-"
I hope you choke
as my name
gets caught
in the back
of your throat
"courtney please..."
I hope you plead
as my name
gets caught
as it makes
you bleed
I hope you know
this is just
a joke
you know honey
I won't make
you choke
yes say my name
it tastes only sweet
but you won't get
the chance
or choice
to speak
you know cutie
I won't make
you plead
it's the blade
not me
that made
you bleed

Monday, May 16, 2016

T.A.S.T.E

"make new friends but don't forget the old
because one is silver, the other is gold" but
truth be told you all mean more to me than
some shiny mineral or petty piece of jewellery
you're the air I can breathe with the lungs
I owe to you for keeping me alive while
I awkwardly grew through teenage years
through sobbing tears I continue to shed
you help stabilise the thoughts inside my head
even when I'm stubborn & sometimes struggle
you open your arms wide to comfort & cuddle
I appreciate each & every one of you all the
memories we share & mischief we still get up to
my only hope & wish is that when we're grey & old
our laughter is still loud & as strong as our alcohol
that our bond remains tough & malleable to change
imagining milestones without you is awfully strange
because you are the devil's voice & angel's advice that
I desperately need to help make my decisions for me
whether good or bad or in-between your support system
is a vitality so here's to the girls with beauty & grace
when it comes to friends I have impeccable t.a.s.t.e

oh honey

I've been told many times before to take a pinch of salt to
season the words people try to feed me but it's my fault that
I make the choice I choose to swallow sweetness over savoury
a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down but it's my mistake 
that I consistently make my blood sugar level soar high above the 
ground to level with my head stuck in the sticky clouds but it's only
me to blame and my naivety that because I'm made of honey that
because I believe I wouldn't do this that it can't be done to me that 
because I listen to every sweet nothing whispered warm and softly 
then politely consume the cute candy coated lie labelled 'eat me' 
despite it all coming from people that hurt me I ignore the toothache 
blissfully and continue to trust too easily only to end up wondering
why I'm suffering painful stings from wasps disguised as honey bees 



Sunday, May 15, 2016

I wish I could call


you are a safety blanket my subconscious has created
only ever visiting me in my dreams when something
bad is happening just the other night you were there
running your fingers through my hair I swear I could
feel just how much you once cared I tell you all about
the boy who replaced your tight grip on my heart how
he is now the main inspiration of my art and the pain I
suffer I tell you things I don't even tell my own mother
you were the first person in my life who personified the
word "home" having you in my head makes me feel a little
less alone crying in your arms I lean my ear to your chest
trying my best to hear the beat I once knew the rhythm to
but you're not really here
and I don't know you

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

xo

"Am I important to you?"
"Yes."
"But... do you even like talking to me?"
"Yes."
"Why?" I ask, immediately regretting the question. My hand grips hard on the phone held to my ear, cringing at the obvious insecurity in my voice, hoping he didn't notice.
"Do me a favour..." he requests. Fuck. I've heard this before from others. He's going to tell me to shut up, to stop being so insecure, to get over myself. It's my fault for pushing their patience.
"What?" I ask nervously.
"Laugh," he politely commands.
"What?" I ask again, giggling from both relief and confusion. It's almost like I could hear him smile through the phone, the visual made me giggle louder.
"That's why."

Monday, May 2, 2016

fuck

I'm selfish in that I thought only of myself
that despite my own choice to turn away 
that despite the pain my heart had felt
it hurt more not hearing you ask me to stay

learning to let go/I miss you already

I felt the vines begin to strangle, the thorns stabbing into my sides
ripping this from the roots wasn't a choice, it was critical, essential
I tried my best my hardest to hide the feelings inside but the red
seeped through, I am so fucking see-through, do you see it too?
'it doesn't matter no I don't care' trying to convince myself the
feelings aren't really there but I couldn't ignore the bleeding or
the hurt any longer, my heart crushed, my mind began to wonder
why I was never good enough and why I couldn't be someone else 
awful questions that would drag me down to the insecure self-hating
hell I can't go back I promised myself so this is critical, essential 
to let you go but I do want you to know that despite the messy
beginning and how it had to end, I hope to one day see you again