Wednesday, January 11, 2017

deja vu

•  the sales assistant asks me if I need help 
    I look to my basket of too many products
    because I can never differentiate want & need
    no, I'm fine, thanks

•  mum refers to me as a "serial dater"
   I stopped laughing at the term
   after I google searched it
   fuck you, truth

•  my friends don't ask me what he's like
   ...I tell them
   and tell them again
   and again
   they grin & bear it
   we all know how it ends

•  I ask the sales assistant
   if they have anything that can prevent
   falling for bullshit
   too late

•  red flags aren't visible
   if you use one as a blindfold

•  you know when you're really hungry
   starving after waiting for so long
   you're too excited to chew the food properly
   swallowing too quick
   your stomach feels uncomfortably full
   and you regret rushing it
   it's already over before it really began
   that's what this is like every time
   except instead of indigestion
   all contact suddenly ends

•  I consider being a pitcher for a baseball team
   after an impressive overhand of my phone across the room
   trying to avoid reading a version of a text I've read
   many times before
   filled with bad punctuation and platitudes and self deprecation
   they call themselves assholes so you don't have the chance

•  the next week is spent mostly sleeping
    self loathing in between
    and wishing social media didn't exist
    they conveniently forgot to mention her
    when they said
    "it's not you, it's me"

•  I ask the sales assistant
   if they have anything strong enough
   to remove "fuck me over" from my forehead

•  hurt rises like bile in my throat
   yet I'm still speaking sweetness
   despite everything
   I believe I'm capable of convincing a jury
   (and myself)
   that they're a good person, who just made bad choices
   while bleeding from the stab wound in my chest

•  swollen eyes & long drives
   yelling to songs they shared
   like some kind of fucked up
   musical masochism

•  they always say "I thought you'd hate me" with a nervous grin stretched wide 
   across their punchable face 
   I never get the satisfaction of connecting my knuckles against their jaw
   because my hand clenches into a fist 
   and I realise
   I'm already holding their fucking hand again

•  the sales assistant asks me if I need help
   yeah, I do, thanks
   apparently they aren't qualified enough
   and tissues are in aisle 3

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

call me baby
and whisper in my ear
tell me things
I want to hear
grip my throat
and make me choke
falling for you
is my greatest fear

Monday, January 9, 2017

Monday, January 2, 2017